The Journey of Greater Intimacy with God
If I could go back and teach myself anything it would be the art of letting go. Last year was that massive lesson for me. My entire life was trauma filled and confusing for the most part. I experienced so many horrible things that sometimes now when I think of them, I grieve for that little girl who felt like she did not have a voice worth being heard. Last year showed me that this is something I have carried and still carry into my adulthood.
Last year was certainly the valley of all valleys for me. 2020 was my rock bottom. However, this was also the best year of my life because for the first time I finally decided I was letting go of everything that felt like an anchor to my soul. I have been told on countless occasions by countless people that I needed to let go of my past and that I needed to move on. Funny thing is, with PTSD that felt near impossible with the constant flashbacks that I lived in, and my inability to control them made it worse.
I was drowning, and my mental health was deteriorating to a point where I started to plan out different ways to end my life. I felt like I tried everything... I prayed, fasted, sought wisdom from Christian leaders, even got into the word and nothing. I was stuck. I remember hitting rock bottom, mind flooded with suicidal thoughts and feeling like I had no control over my mind anymore. My PTSD flashbacks were consistent and overlapping, and I felt detached from reality. I was still putting on the facade that I was fine but trust, sis was holding on by a thread.
It was amid this that God taught me that even in my worst times He is not ashamed of me. That all he wanted was my heart and that I could trust Him with it. The more I leaned in, the more healing I found, the easier it became for me to let go. Letting go looked like walking through. I began to walk through the memories and fears and flashbacks hand in hand with Him and He kept me.
Even when I was unraveling, he kept me. It was not about working for my healing but surrendering to His plan of healing for me. This looked like therapy, walking away from things/people/places that were triggering me and being open with my family about my issues. The journey of letting go looked like me finally saying to myself that my journey does not have to look like anyone else’s. It is okay to be a mess and that God is not ashamed of me. All He wants is for me to show up fully myself, not pretending, inviting him into the darkest places of me knowing that He is not afraid and wants to heal me. Letting go for me looked like vulnerability. Vulnerability shifted my perspective, empowered me to shed expectations, and encouraged me to find my freedom in the one who created me.