Letting Go - The Process

I keep waiting on you to message me to say I am the one you plan to marry,
that it is I you desire to spend the rest of your life with.

I find myself asking myself, who made me like this?
Who made me so naive?
Who made me so weak that I believed we could have a future?
I know it’s probably less to do with you and more to do with me.
I want to say I wish I never met you.... I wish I never liked you.... I wish I never loved you.

The truth is I am thankful for all these things
because they made me see that I am still human,
I am still in need of a Saviour.

One day, I will be able to not think of you.
One day, I will be able to truly wish you well and not get anxiety about seeing you with a family that doesn’t include me.
One day, I will be able to hear your name and not die a little inside...
But today is not that day.

Today, I still love you like I have for these past 6 years.
Today, my heart still yearns for you.
Today, more than yesterday, I wished I was yours.
Today, my soul struggles to imagine life without you.

Maybe tomorrow things will change.
But today, today, I still desire you.

 Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash